Don’t Compare the Beginning of Your Grief Journey to Someone Else’s Middle

Short and Sweet Summary: Your grief journey is different from everyone else’s. Even if you have similar circumstances, you must still chart your own course, grieve in your own way and on your own timeline. There’s no sense in comparing your grief journey to someone else because we all start at the beginning.

How many times have you compared your grief journey to another widow’s and thought to yourself, damn…I’m not half as with it as she is?

Let’s see…ummm…(counts on fingers)…lots?

I’ve done it. We’ve all done it.

It’s like when you feel overwhelmed and out of sorts, it’s easy to compare yourself to others and heap on even more relentless negative self-talk. When your widow brain is in full force and you feel like a failure because you can’t form complete sentences, you think it’s totally normal to compare yourself to other articulate widows who clearly don’t suffer from simple word malfunctions like you, right??!!

Well, guess what? This doesn’t work. Because you’re comparing the beginning of your grief journey to someone else’s middle. And these aren’t apples-to-apples comparisons. More like comparing apples to motor oil. In other words…there is no comparison.

I’m sure you’ve asked yourself the question how long does it take to go through the grieving process? And the answer is there is no answer. Or what is the right way to grieve? And the answer is there is no “right” way. Because everyone grieves on her own timeline in her own way.

I remember in my early days of widowhood reading everything I could get my hands on regarding how other widows dealt with grief. I was an undeniable anxiety-ridden mess and I wondered how other widows handled widowhood.

Some baked. I am not a baker. Some ran marathons. I am not a runner. Others hid away under mounds of blankets never to resurface. I didn’t want to disappear forever into the grief abyss.

During all of my reading and research, I found that no shortcut exists for dealing with grief. The widow in the middle of her journey? She suffered just like you and me in our beginning. Just because it looks like she’s got it going on now doesn’t mean she had an easier road.

It just means she’s been on her grief journey longer.

So, how you do stop comparing?

ACCEPT YOUR BEGINNING

Everyone has to start somewhere and your grief journey won’t get any easier without accepting it. All of it.

Grief is a bitch. And a liar. It will confuse you.

But here’s something really interesting you won’t understand until you’re well on your way. Until you’re in your middle.

Grief is also a teacher. It teaches you to accept pain, love, joy, sadness, and heartache all at the same time. Grief teaches you to surrender to what is, not what you wished or hoped it would be.

And it all starts at the beginning.

You can’t change your circumstances. Things will get a whole lot worse before they get better. I can only tell you that once you’ve accepted your beginning, and stopped comparing to someone else’s middle, you’ll figure out what works best for you.

And your progress won’t look like anyone else’s.

GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR SURVIVING

You have survived an unimaginable loss. And each day you soldier on. You get up, face your grief demons, and start all over again the next day. When people say, “I don’t know how you do it,” you say, “I wasn’t given a choice.”

Everyone in the middle of their journey had to survive the day-to-day drudgery to get there. All of us were (or still are) overwhelmed, disorganized, and chronically sad. We go to work, take care of the kids, and manage our households while trying to keep our shit together. Even if we’re in the middle of our journey, we’re still surviving.

And you are, too. Give yourself credit for the fact that you keep going in the face of a debilitating loss. You are a survivor. That’s got to count for something.

ACCEPT WHAT YOU CAN’T CHANGE

One of the biggest challenges of widowhood is accepting things we can’t change. Or at least it is for me. I’m a certifiable control freak.

We know our deceased spouse isn’t coming back. We know this on an intellectual level, but emotionally, our hearts still hold out for a miracle. Death is really fucking hard to accept.

I’ve had to accept that I don’t control the majority of circumstances in my life. Lots of things are out of my control. Things I can’t change no matter how hard I try.

And people. I can’t control or change other people.

There is peace in acceptance. It’s taken me five long years since my husband died to accept what I can’t change. In the past I’ve tried to:

• control the Universe
• bypass the grief process
• alter people’s perceptions
• manipulate situations

All in the name of clinging to whatever shreds of control I thought I had left. Now, I accept what I can’t change and use my internal resources to focus on changing what I can.

UNDERSTAND THAT GRIEF EVOLVES OVER TIME

Grief is like a shape-shifting, temperamental roommate you didn’t invite in but can’t seem to evict. It evolves over time—sometimes quietly, and other times with a spectacular tantrum that knocks you flat. And here’s the kicker: the way it feels now is not how it will feel forever.

When I was newly widowed, I didn’t think I’d ever stop crying. I was drowning in “what-ifs” and “should-haves.” But over time, I began to notice tiny shifts. Maybe I laughed at a silly memory instead of breaking down. Maybe I didn’t cry for two days in a row. Maybe I could imagine a future without guilt weighing me down like a cement block. These weren’t monumental transformations; they were little breadcrumbs that showed me the path forward.

Widows further along in their journey often talk about finding a “new normal.” I used to roll my eyes at that phrase because it felt dismissive to me, like I just needed to get over it already. But I’ve since realized they’re not wrong—grief does become a part of you, but it doesn’t have to consume you. It evolves. You evolve.

When you’re in the thick of it, it’s impossible to imagine a future where grief doesn’t define every moment. But just like widows who’ve walked this path before you, you’ll learn to carry it differently. The weight doesn’t go away, but you get stronger. You figure out how to hold it without letting it hold you back.

I’m in awe of the widows who have come before me who have written books or founded widow organizations dedicated to hope and healing. Others start nonprofits or podcasts about the messier side of widowhood. They evolved with their grief, too. And look what they did with it!

So, to the widow still in the trenches, it won’t always look and feel the way it does today. It will soften, shift, and make room for other emotions—joy, love, hope.

And one day, you’ll look back and realize you’ve come further than you thought possible.

You’ll be someone else’s middle, and that, my friend, is a powerful thing.

WIDOW WRAP UP

Comparison is the thief of joy. It doesn’t accomplish much because we rarely compare two equal things.

Especially where grief is concerned, there is no equal comparison. Everyone has their own path to walk and my path won’t look anything like yours. We may both be grieving a death and be inconsolable, angry, confused, and overwhelmed. But even our feelings are different because our circumstances are different.

When you’re in the throes of grief and convinced you’re not handling your situation as well as other widows who’ve come before you, remember this:

We all started at the beginning.

No one jumped ahead to the middle. We all survived the chaotic, uncontrollable, confusing, PAINFUL beginning and continue to survive through the messy middle.

And you will, too.

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