The Astonishing Things People Say to Grieving Widows

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Short and Sweet Summary: Questionable communication and social skills are on display when you come across some of the astonishing things people say to grieving widows. Donât you wish people said nothing at all rather than blurt out some of these zingers?
Have you ever come across those folks who, in their attempt at profound insight, tell you they know how you feel because their dog died and it was the most painful experience ever?
Well, it could have been their dog or Great Aunt Bertha or their best friendâs sisterâs college roommate, but the point is, they have no flipping idea what youâre going through.
NO CONCEIVABLE IDEA.
Losing a spouse is at the top of The Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory.Â
NUMBER ONE. With a POINT VALUE of 100.
The stress canât get much higher than the highest value at the top of the scale.
The death of a pet didnât even make the list of high stressors. Our 13-year-old Dachshund died the same year my husband died and it was awful. But our dogâs death in no way compared to my husbandâs death.
IN NO REASONABLE WAY.

I get that people want to say something, anything to fill the awkward silences and gaps in conversations.
But I for one have had it up to my eyeballs specifically with the following things people say to grieving widows.
They serve no purpose. And, it makes our grief seem small and unnecessary.
So uncool.
Here we go.
Hang on to your hatsâŠI feel a massive rant coming on.
The Agony of âAt LeastâŠâ
I loathe the âat leastâ conversations. This might be the worst offender in stupid things people say to grieving widows.
Have you heard these doozies?
What the hell does it even mean? At least.
Whenever I hear the words âat leastâ I feel like people are trying to minimize my pain. Itâs like people are trying to help but only end up making grief seem inconsequential.
I donât think people realize that what they say and what we hear are two very different things. The âat leastâ comparison never serves its intended purpose.
You know the ones that go like this:
At least you had time to prepare
My husband died of an incurable brain tumor and we knew from the day of his diagnosis that he was going to die. So according to the general population, I had an ample amount of time to get used the idea of him not being around.
The thing is, no amount of âpreparingâ helps anyone accept the finality of death. There is no measure of readiness that magically gives you a head start on decreasing the devastation.
This âat leastâ sentiment needs to be retired. Immediately.
At least youâre young and can get married again
Iâve never understood why it seems like a good idea to offer up another marriage scenario when the ink on your spouseâs death certificate is barely dry.
Itâs like people, in their feeble attempt to make me feel better, like reminding me that husbandâs death now frees me up to exchange another set of âtill death do us partâ wedding vows.
How lucky am I that I get to do that all over AGAIN!
Ugh.
As if the heartache, pain and sheer misery of my husbandâs death disappears with a new man.
Thank you for reminding me that my husband is replaceable. Woo hoo!

What most people donât realize is when they utter this âat leastâ sentiment, it makes them feel better, not you.
At least heâs not suffering anymore
I get that our dead spouses arenât suffering anymore. Thatâs a given.
But what about our pain? What about our suffering? I know my husband isnât suffering anymore, BUT I AM.
Now, I have to hide my own pain and misery because Iâm supposed to FEEL BETTER that heâs DEAD and NOT SUFFERING ANYMORE.
I wish people would see the ridiculousness of this platitude. It doesnât make widows feel better. In fact, if youâre anything like me, it makes you feel worse. Because it doesnât allow for our grief. It doesnât allow for OUR sadness or anguish.
I wish people would just say, âthis sucks and Iâm at a complete loss for wordsâ instead.
Letâs retire the at least sentiments and comparisons once and for all.
The Worthless âWhat WouldâŠ?â
The next contender for the worst words to say to a widow are theoretical. As in, hypothetical.
As in, NOT REAL.
I call this the âLetâs Speculateâ game. Itâs a stupid game where someone asks me what my husband would do in a particular situation if he was still alive.
Only, heâs dead.
So whatâs the practical purpose of guessing his reaction to a situation he will NEVER EXPERIENCE? I get that people fall flat trying to figure out what to say to someone who lost a loved one.
But theorizing the dead personâs reaction to a series of speculative scenarios is irritating at best.

I get really defensive when I get asked these âwhat would your husband do/say/feelâ questions because it makes me feel as if my current decision/communication/reaction isnât valid.
Like, maybe Iâm making the wrong decision? Doubtful in my expression? Not handling the situation well?Â
I could be taking these questions personally and maybe, just maybe, people donât intend to second guess my decisions. Maybe, just maybe, theyâre making small talk because they donât know what else to say.
But damn if itâs not annoying.
I do the best I can with the information I have at the current moment. We all do.
If I make a mistake, so be it.Â
The Narcissistic âI KnowâŠâ
I love the folks who know it all.
No. Not really. I donât love them at all.
Now, itâs not like I hate the narcissists. Really, I donât. I just wish they wouldnât try to tell me how much they know about what goes on in my brain.
Iâm not even sure what goes on in my brain half the time, so Iâm super impressed that other people think they know.
I know how you feel/what youâre going through
Nope. You donât.
Burying your 85-year-old father doesnât count. Circle of life, you know? Iâm pretty sure you donât know what itâs like to listen to your sonâs heartbreaking whimpers as he cries himself to sleep every night. Or what itâs like to hide in your closet because you donât want the kids to hear the wretched sounds you make when you cry so hard you choke on your own snot.
No one knows how I do what I do. Or how you do what you do. Or how you feel at any given moment.
I know your husband would want you to stop grieving
I knew my husband better than anyone. So whenever someone tells me they know what my husband would want, I fantasize about gouging their eyeballs out with sharp sticks.
Because thatâs what my husband would want if he knew people were trying to tell me what he would want.
I will grieve in whatever fashion I choose for as long as necessary. One thing grieving widows donât need is unsolicited advice about how to grieve or for how long.
Oh, how I wish other people would stop pretending to know what a dead guy wants. Seriously.
I know heâs in a better place
Oh really?
Please tell me omnipotent, all-knowing, crystal-ball gazer, what place is better than here with me?
The Shameful âYou ShouldâŠâ
I bet you donât like being told what to do. I know I donât.
So, the folks who decide to shower us with âyou shouldâ sentiments can be the most annoying of all.Â
You should stop feeling sorry for yourself
Says who? Only those of us grieving know that grief doesnât have a time limit.
This is the same as âyou should move onâ or âyou should get over it already.â As if the pain and anguish arenât enough without someone trying to make you feel bad about feeling bad.Â
You should stop wearing your wedding ring
Again, says who? Itâs up to you to decide how long you wear your ring. Wear it forever if you want. Take it off right now if it makes you feel better.Â
Turn it into another piece of jewelry. Sell it. You get to decide.
Itâs pretty presumptuous for others to make bold declarations about what we should do with the symbol of our marriage.Â
You should quit your job/get a job/move
Itâs hard making decisions solo. Especially decisions about jobs or houses or relocating. Other people donât know what itâs like to make a decision to move from the first house you bought as a couple or stay in the house you raised your kids in.Â
To work or not work is another individual decision. Itâs silly to think someone else can know if itâs best for you to quit a demanding job. Or if staying in a demanding job is just what you need to prevent getting swallowed whole by grief.
So many factors plan into these types of decisions that no one really knows whatâs best for you except you.Â
Widow Wrap Up
We donât have the luxury of avoiding difficult conversations. We end up getting cornered by well-meaning, but clueless, people who think they know the best things to say to grieving widows.
Only theyâve never been grieving widows.
So, thereâs that.
I used to be guilty of these grief faux-pas before I became enmeshed in grief. Now that I know better I donât say things like âyou shouldâ or âif I were you.â
I say, âthis sucksâ or âI donât even know what to say.â
I think we would all feel better if people just stopped trying to make sense of the senseless. Itâs impossible.
Weâve all tried.
Whatâs the worst thing someone has ever said to you? Please share in the comments.
Related Posts
- Donât Compare the Beginning of Your Grief Journey to Someone Elseâs Middle
- Where to Find Grief Support Options for Widows
- Resources to Make Widowed Life Easier
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The first comment that blew me away after my husband died was at a surprise birthday party three months after his death. The birthday girl came up to me, who is a friend of 20 years, and said to meâ Are you here alone? I thought you would be with three boyfriendsâ.Mind you, I was married for 31 years & never had a boyfriend during my marriage.really?? Then as Iâm standing alone because I didnât know anyone at the party she came up to me to tell me how depressed I looked. Needless to say I exited that party pretty quickly.oh , and forgot to leave my present there. Oh wellđ
Barb, itâs so crazy what people think is an appropriate thing to say. Ugh!
My husband died 8 months ago, and about 2 months ago someone said to me â I thought that you would be doing better by now.â Really? I dated him for 5 years and was married to him for 48 years, and you want me to be over it? Totally ticked me off. I also love when someone says that I seem different. Uh yeah, I am different because Iâm sad some days and just muddling through on others.
Not even two weeks after my husband died, I had a longtime friend say to me Oh Kelly youâre still young and beautiful, you wonât be alone for long! I couldnât believe it. It was like the last 30 years of my life that I spent with my husband meant nothing. I know she meant well but it still hurt.
Kelly, I sooooo get it. As if our person is so quickly replaceable? Ugh. People do mean well, butâŠGAH!
So sorry for your loss. Donât say that! I didnt misplace him like a pair of glasses or my car keys.
I know, Mary!
My husband of almost 20 years passed away on May 25th from Stage IV Neuroendocrine Cancer. We just buried him on June 2nd. I have heard the phrases, âat least he isnât suffering anymoreâ and ânow he is at peaceâ more times than I can count. He spent the two weeks prior to his death in home Hospice care and had the opportunity to visit with many family and friends, so I am often told, âwell, at least he got closureâ. He left behind four children and two grandchildren that he loved dearly. What about our suffering, our peace and our closure?
Christine, I hear you. I despise the âat leastâ sentiments the most!
So sorry Christine! Your suffering, your peace, and your closure matter. My husband lost his battle with stage four cancer earlier this year, and others have said similarly hurtful things to me. Iâm sorry for your loss, and Iâm sorry that others have not been as comforting as you need and as I would like them to be for you and your family.
I know how you feel!! I didnât leave/lose my husband in asda stockroom.
My fiance died by suicide. His brother blames me and made it very clear that he does â despite the fact that my fiance had issues for years that were well known to all his family. Within 72 hours of me having to throw away my bloody mattress and bedroom carpeting, his ex-wife wanted to know what I was going to do with his truck. SMH. I really dislike people sometimes.
Linda, itâs awful you have to endure terrible people on top of a terrible tragedy đ. There are no good words for this!
My husband had been in and out of the hospital for several years. But worse than the âAt least heâs not suffering nowâ responses was one neighbor who actually said, âWell, we knew it would happen sooner or laterâŠâ đ
Robyn, thatâs awful. Truly. And so insensitive đ.
I shut this one down immediately. âYouâre lucky. Your husband died. My ex-wife is out there running her mouthâ. Unfortunately there was no satisfaction of slamming a receiver down on this personâs ears, however, I did have to laugh when I realized what truth his ex was probably speaking if he was that oblivious to my pain of just 2 months from my husband of 20 years passing!
Hi Gabby, the insensitive people never cease to amaze me!
My husband of just over 25 years had a stroke to the brain stem during a surgery to remove a noncancerous brain tumor just last month. Our 19 and 22 year old daughters and I decided to withdraw care 3 days after the surgery, he died 15 minutes later.
I will take the the insensitive comments all day long. It is the people who you thought were true friends and family who do not take the time to send a card or make a phone call, or simply ignore you when they see you at a family gathering. At least the people saying stupid things are trying; and who of us havenât said stupid things when in an awkward situation.
I have heard pretty much all of the phrases you mentioned in the past 6 weeks. I have learned to just shake my head and say, âThank You.â Otherwise I may respond with harsh words, a slap to the face or an outburst of tears.
Hi Tammie, I like your attitude. Yes, youâre right. At least theyâre trying!
Know how you feel. Itâs been four weeks and if anyone mentions theyâve lost a dog Iâll knock them out. Iâm raw with emotion and not sure how to cope
My fiance passed away a month ago⊠one of my friends called me 2 weeks after he passed to check on me, which I greatly appreciated, until she said âI know what youâre going through, divorce is like a death and I felt what youâre feelingâ. I couldnât believe she said that! Iâm friends with her and her ex husband and I know how devastating it was when he left but I also know that she can see or talk to him anytime she wants!! No, itâs not the same⊠not at all!!!
Hi Brenda, ugh. Thatâs the worst. Like, THE WORST đ.